Dead

It was a really simple question, but I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t say a word, I stood there staring at the emptiness inside of me. What did I want at that time?

I wanted that fire burning my lungs to get extinguished, I wanted my heart to pump life again through my body, I wanted my eyes to see the beauty in every single detail, I wanted my ears to enjoy every hymn they catch. I wanted to be held, I wanted to smile, I wanted to dance, sing, laugh, run, dream. I wanted to live!

But instead, I was obliged to watch him getting weaker every day, lying there in front of me barely breathing. I gave the best of me for him to survive, to live again, to be born from his ashes once again. But it didn’t help, day after day, he was turning his face away from life, he was dying and he knew it.

That last day was horrible for me. It was me who decided to let go of him. It was me who gave up finally. I felt him looking at me and smiling because at last his suffering was ending. He smiled remembering all the happy moments, all the words, all the touches, all the songs, and peacefully he went away.

I remained few minutes without the ability to breath, the fire in my lungs got wilder, tears rushed through my eyes and down my cheeks. It took me few minutes to shoot him down and now I need much more time to heal from it. Because a minute ago I had just watched my love for you die in front of my eyes.

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Always waiting…

Six months ago, I was waiting at the airport at the arrivals, and all the time I was wishing, hoping and dreaming the door will open to show me your face. That didn’t happen.

Today, after a long day at work, I was driving home when suddenly I had this feeling that once I am there I will find you opening the door for me. I would launch myself at you, put my arms around your neck and you will sway me with the most beautiful embrace. It took me one hour to get home and visualizing this took all the time.

When finally home, I climbed the stairs and knocked at the door with a pounding heart. But it was my mother’s footsteps not yours that I heard, it was her face, her smile when the door got open not yours. I ran inside, checked every room, I let myself enjoy the surprise of meeting you.

When I realized that the rooms were empty, that I wasn’t hearing your voice, that simply you weren’t there, my smile faded, my shining eyes got dull, and I faced the fact that you will never be here!

But I still hope and wish and dream because I never forgot what it was like being near you. I still imagine you next to me because, sweet love, I am always waiting…