I found myself on that rock willing to jump into the water.
The sky was clear, the sun was shining reminding me to enjoy summer and all was good.
People were cheerful, children were playing at the beach and my friends were cheering me to finally jump into the water. With a rush of adrenaline I launched myself in the air and splash!
The moment my head became under the surface of the water, all I could see was the clear water, all I could hear was… nothing! The sound of the waves, the shouting of the children, the laughing of my friends… all sounds disappeared.
Just in that particular moment where I was left with myself, just myself, I felt so at peace.
And in that moment, you crossed my mind…
No! Not there!
Don’t make me go there, don’t even let me get close. I can’t even look that way! Please do understand!
This was where we sat together, where I put my head on his shoulder and let myself dream about him.
This was where he let his eyes drown into mine, where he kissed me, where I smiled back at him, where we laughed!
You see, this was where he was mine, and this will always be our table where I sat happily with him.
But I am with you now! So please, don’t sit where he once sat by my side, please, don’t make me sit there!
أولادي، رؤيتكم تتخبطون في بحر المشاكل تحزنني. فقد رعيتكم صغاراً، و حرصت على تثقيفكم و تعليمكم من الحياة، أما الآن، أراكم تضيعون ما بنيناه معاً طوال هذه السنوات.
أولادي، إنكم تقتلون ما تبقى في جسدي من حياة، فأنتم تخنقون أنفاسي، تكبلون حريتي، تشنعون بجمالي و تحاولون محو اسمي.
أولادي، أراكم تلعبون لعبة أكبر منكم، تخططون لأذيتكم.
أما أنا، أريد أن أبقى جميلاً، شامخا، أبيا، فهبوا لنجدة ما تبقى مني، لإحياء قلبي المنفطر عليكم، لإنعاش روحي المجروحة.
أولادي، أنا أرفض أن أصبح ذكرى في تاريخكم، أرفض أن يمحى إسمي عن سجلاتكم، فلا تقتلوني.
It all started when I was at the top…
I used to dance with the wind without any stop
But a day came where my world started to flop
And with it, it started… I began to drop…
The wind that used to caress me stopped being cool
And my dancing with it was transformed into something cruel
All sense was gone, every act of mercy, every rule
I lost my perceptions, I felt like such a fool.
While falling I watched all of you still there in one piece
I watched you watching my decease
And my fall finally came to a cease
When on the ground I rested in peace.
And I’m still there waiting what a new day might bring
What am I? I am fallen leaf on a beautiful day of spring…
I know it’s been a while, I know that you thought I stopped. But I didn’t! They are still here in my head, screaming out loud to get out, shouting and pounding all over my mind to be put on paper… my words are still here.
The day I stopped writing was the day I started rejecting them, refusing to hear your name being called in the back of my mind, refusing to know how much I love you and miss you. But they are still here.
The day I stopped writing didn’t mean that it all got better, it meant that it was getting worse, I was getting worse! So I decided to shut them up, to mask them, to blow them away, but my words, they are still here.
Tonight, I take my pen and write again.
So keep an eye when my words hit because they will hit hard.